Divorce...you don't think it can happen to you...I didn't think it would happen to me and when it did, it took my breathe away. You tell yourself every day that its ok and you are fine and you put on a smile for you, your kids, friends, co-workers, people you walk past on the streets, but the truth is I will always wonder could I have done more, was it that bad, I romanticize my hurt and eventually realizing I did everything I could, if I stayed Ijust would have had more bullet holes and band aids. Every moment is a struggle I am plagued, alone with my thoughts replaying my marriage over and over and trying to pinpoint exactly when it went downhill...hell the truth is it was downhill before we said "I DO", but you think it will all work out and we can make it and I am not one to love easy so when I fell...I fell hard, I hit my head on the way down. It has been a year since I knew it was over, I would look at him in his eyes and no longer see the man I had been in love with for 10 years, the man who I stood before our family and friends and recited the vows that I just knew would carry us through the storms, the man who I had a beautiful baby girl with, the man who I used to feel safe with, I thought he would no longer hold back and would allow me to love him the way I always had; it has been a few months since we separated and divorced. Me in one house and him in the house we once raised our family. When going through everything, I thought....how will I get through this...the constant arguing, no intimacy, feeling like I am sharing space with my roommate and not my mate.
I started boxing and felt SO powerful, untouchable, strong, confident...everything I didn't feel in my marriage. It was then I knew, this is how I am going to get through this, I am going to workout. I am going to pick up these weights and gloves and every hateful, disappointed, sadness, angry feeling I have, I'm going to put into this. Divorce was an option, me losing my power was not!
